Dissecting My Manuscript

When I was in junior high and high school, I always found science fascinating---especially when we were dissecting worms, frogs, cow eyes, and the like.  When I went to university, I took a Zoology course where we dissected a human body.  It was probably one of the most interesting classes I've ever taken in my life and I still remember a lot of the things I learned because I wasn't just talking about the nerve system or respiratory system, I was looking at it and touching it.  I was constantly amazed at the human body and the way it was put together so perfectly.

This past weekend, I was going over my manuscript, looking at the different parts of it and I realized there was an extraneous character and storyline.  It came to me so clearly that I needed to cut it out in order to tighten things up.  Getting out my writing scalpel isn't as painful as it could be, but I know I need to be precise.  It's hard to cut out an entire character and storyline without mucking up the rest of it.  So I have to not only cut, but smooth things over as well.  And I was feeling a bit overwhelmed about it this morning.

The more I've worked on it, however, the more I realize how much better this will make the book.  As fun as that part of the book would have been, it was just distracting in the long run.  And I don't want my readers distracted or thinking, what did that have to do with anything?

So, I cut myself a piece of chocolate cake with raspberry filling for fortification and I have my manuscript on the table ready and waiting.  I think I'm ready to really pick up my scalpel and get down to business with this thing.  (Wish me luck!)

Do you feel like multiple storylines can be distracting in a book?  Have you ever read a book you wished had been less cluttered?  Tell us all about it!

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First Page Friday

I can't believe it's Friday already!  Remember, if you or your friends would like a critique from a national editor, please submit your double-spaced first page to juliecoulterbellon@gmail.com with First Page Friday in the subject line.  We've got two openings in July, so let your friends know!

The Entry
The Lost Kingdom
by Kris Ellsworth

There was once an old land where kings and queens reigned and magical creatures lived among mankind. In one of the most beautiful and fertile lands near a mighty forest, a small village thrived along a wide river that flowed from the forest. A sawmill had been built on the river because men found the wood along the forest line to be of the highest quality. With the success of the mill, the village started to be known as Miller Creek.

For many centuries, there had been no rulers, no magic, and the newer generations found stories of canotilas and ijiraqs to be nothing more than lore, a silly story to tell around the fire, or tales to get children to behave. Unknown to them, the magical community still existed but withdrawn from the mortal world. Instead, they hid deep within the swamplands found within the very forest that the mortals thrived on.

In the deepest part of the swamp, at the central part of the land, there laid the most fertile hammock holding the oldest of trees and the wisest of creatures. A circle of magnificent trees grew together, known to have been there since the world began. Although most trees die off long before a century has passed, these trees were of a special quality. They held within their depths the ancient spirits of the forest. Their combined powers governed the magical realm of the forest. Once a year, they emerged from their trees and gathered in council.

“Has he come?” A soft voice came from the holly tree. From within its depth, emerged the form of the dryad, Ilex. He was thin and tall, and although he was younger than the rest of the trees and his skin was a beautiful polished white, it was wrinkled giving him an appearance of an old man. His lips and nails were of a bright red color. His garb was glossy green leather with a prickly, spiked appearance that matched the leaves of his tree. Upon his head was a wreath of holly, and in his hand a staff made of a holly branch.

Ms. Shreditor's Comments

To begin, I’d like to talk about the first sentence in some depth. It reads, “There was once an old land where kings and queens reigned and magical creatures lived among mankind.”


This sentence misses the mark on a few fronts. First, it’s too generic. We have no concept of where this land is, and the fact that it’s a monarchy populated with magical creatures doesn’t tell us much more. It doesn’t make a strong enough first impression because it could be the opening of any fairy tale.


World-building is a vital element of fantasy writing, and the world in which your story lives needs to make a strong first impression. You need to establish in short order exactly what’s at stake in this world—e.g., rivalries, military conflicts, old betrayals and alliances, magical elements, etc. And don’t allow that world to become cluttered. In this first page, we learn that the unnamed land is populated with canotilas, ijiraqs, dryads, and other forest spirits. It feels like an unfocused potpourri of Lakota, Inuit, and Greek mythology.

Right now, the first three paragraphs read more like an information dump. You may want to start with a more concrete event and gradually work in some of the more general details presented here. Also, make sure to keep verb tense consistent. In the third paragraph, for instance, there’s a sudden shift to the present tense (“Although most trees die off...”).

The imagery of the “fertile hammock” is a bit confusing. I interpreted it literally at first and had to reread the sentence twice to comprehend that it was symbolic of the landscape. Generally, a hammock hangs between two objects, and it’s not clear what those two objects might be from the narrative. And would the deepest part of a swamp really be the most fertile? Also watch verb choice. The first sentence of this paragraph should read, “...there lay the most fertile hammock...”

As you revise this manuscript, consider what you can do to pull the reader in more immediately. Is there a pivotal event that can kick off the story? Which details are absolutely essential on the first page and which can wait? A strong beginning propels not only the reader, but also the author. You know when you’re “on” and in the zone, and when your story gains momentum right out of the gate, you’ll find that your writing becomes livelier and more cohesive. The readers will pick up on this energy, too, so it’s truly a win-win.

Thank you so much to Kris and Ms. Shreditor.  I think these critiques really help us all become better writers.  I also apologize for the weird formatting that is evident today in some paragraph indents.  Sometimes Blogger just hates me.  Apparently I need to give it chocolate or some form of Blogger love or something.  See you all next week, Blogger-willing!

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Danger on Our Fourth of July

My city fireworks are always interesting.  Each year, usually a tree or grass have been started on fire.  One year, the cannon fell over and shot fireworks into the crowd.  Needless to say, going to this particular celebration always keeps me on my toes.

When we got there last night, they had the crowd set quite far back from the firing area and we put down our blankets, interested to see how this year would go.  For safety purposes, we sat a little closer to the exit than we have in years past.

The show started and within moments we were being pelted with debris and tiny flaming particles.  Covering ourselves and the children as best we could, we had almost a front row seat as fireworks (the white swirly ones) rained down on the field in front of us, looking like a celestial mass of bodies hurtling toward earth and exploding in little balls of fire.  It was beautiful, but also a little frightening, since you know, the field was catching fire.  Thankfully, nothing stayed on fire for long, although the flames from a small fire near the cannon got fairly large. Firemen were on the spot, however, and put it out.  (Which we were glad about since half of the mountains in Utah are currently on fire and we didn't want any more getting out of hand.)

My family gathered up all the debris pieces that hit us and I was just thinking I should take a picture and show you guys.  It's a fairly impressive pile.  I guess the best thing is, we have a memory every 4th of July, when we court danger and go to watch our city fireworks show.  I know, some of you think we're crazy for going, but hey, what can I say?  I'm a woman who walks on the edge.

How did your celebrations go?

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Happy 4th of July! And Word Count Wednesday

It's the 4th of July!  Hooray!  My entire family will be home today for a barbeque.  It makes me so grateful to live in a country where we can gather any time we want, with plenty of food, can have any discussion we want, and have the freedom and responsibility of citizenship in this wonderful country.  I heard a speech given by John Wayne and he talked about the million reasons he loves the USA.  I think I could count a million, too.  How are you celebrating today?

Well, I probably shouldn't admit this, but after an early neighborhood pancake breakfast, I looked over the edits my critique group gave me last night.  I need a Urim and Thummim for one of them, but I am excited about some of the suggested changes.  I may or may not work a bit before the family all gets here.  I'm on a roll this week since I got so much done on my work in progress. I'm feeling really confident in my direction.  I added over 4000 words and am right on track for this week.  How did you do this week?

                                    Happy 4th of July!

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My New Cover! Come See!

I am SO excited to reveal the cover of my new book!  I think it's amazing and I can't wait for you to read it.

  

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How Far Can Love Scenes Go in Clean Romance?

Remember how I was having such a hard day on Saturday?  (I was sick).  Well, today has been such a wonderful day.  I just saw the cover for my book that's coming out in the fall.  It is GORGEOUS!  I can't wait to show you the finished product.

So, I was having a conversation with some friends of mine over the weekend about what is acceptable to be shown as love scenes in clean romantic suspense books.  As you all know, I had someone object to a kiss in one of my books because they thought it lingered too long.  I was so surprised by the feedback because to me, it was an (almost) innocent kiss before my hero thinks he's going to die. (I guess in a way he does linger. But he thinks he's going to die, people!  DIE!)  But I am sensitive to the fact that people expect any romance in my books to be clean.  And I really thought I had done that, but now I wonder if my definition of clean is sort of not, if you know what I mean.

Of course when you pick up a thriller, romantic suspense, whatever, that is billed as clean, you have certain expectations---maybe your standard is no explicit love scenes.  Or maybe it's just a close the door and no explicit descriptions.  But we're all so different.  It's obvious that what is clean to me might not be clean to you.  So I'm curious, where do you draw the line?

During the discussion with my friends it came down to this---when we watch a movie, all of the information is fed to us.  We see what the director wants us to see.  With a book, we are using our imagination.  We bring all our experiences and background to that reading experience, so every time someone reads the book, their experience is different from anyone else who read that book.  For the woman who wrote about my characters' kiss being too long, in her experience and imagination it was.  For someone else it wouldn't even cross their minds.  So how clean does clean have to be?

What do you think?  How do you decide what is acceptable for love scenes in "clean" books and what isn't?

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Happy Canada Day!

Just wanted to wish all my friends and  fellow Canadians a Happy Canada Day!  I'm celebrating with you and wish I could be there with my family today.   Miss you guys!

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