Writing Romantic Foo Foo Stuff

Well, there's some romance in my work-in-progress.  Surprise!

If you've read my previous books you know that they're more adventure with a splash of romance.  But this one seems to be moving more in a half and half direction with the adventure and romance.  Which makes it a tiny bit harder for me to write.  Mostly because I like action stuff and sometimes it's hard to slow down and really feel the emotion.  So I'm slowing myself down.

Today, though, it's been hard to write the romantic foo foo stuff because I'm tired and grumpy.  Have you ever noticed how difficult it is to be romantic in real life when you're grumpy and tired?  That's how it is for a writer, too, trying to capture the emotion of it all.

I know some of my writer friends try out different scenarios for the romance scenes with their significant others (like hand placement during a kiss, for example, is there hands running through hair? Over a back?) and I thought that might help me, but my husband had to go to work.  So no luck there.

I thought about watching a romantic show, but the only one I could find was A Walk to Remember and we all know how that ends.  Not good in the romance department.  And if I start watching Alias or Scarecrow and Mrs. King DVDs I'll never get any work done.

So, I'm stuck.  Maybe I'll skip ahead to a death or action scene to match my mood.  *sigh*

Do you ever have that happen, when you just can't get into the groove of the scene you want to write?  How do you overcome it?

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Word Count Wednesday

Well, I was holding off on posting until I could have a word count, but more or less I'm just reading the chapter and changing a few words here and there.  So my word count is about 8.  Sad, I know.  But can I help it if this is an epic chapter that I love?  I submit that I cannot.

Have you ever had a chapter that seemed perfect and you kept reading it over and over because you were shocked?  Looking for problems, plot holes or weird turns of phrase?  That's me.  So far so good though.

How did you do this week?

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My Life As A Referee & How It Pertains To Writing

So, most of you know that I referee girls basketball games.  In my league, girls games are generally different from the boys in that when a girl fouls, she almost always apologizes, but when a boy fouls, he denies it and calls the other kid a crybaby.  (Although I have seen some girls who have clawed opponents.  That's rare to see in a boys game.)

Last week, the game was in double overtime and it was intense.  Both teams were in double bonus and we were running up and down the court with wild abandon.  (Okay, maybe I wasn't running with wild abandon. I was running with a wild plea heavenward to let it end, please for the love, just let the game end.)

I called several fouls and we had two fans that were heckling us as referees.  Every call made was, "Are you kidding me?  Are you blind?  Has blowing that whistle affecting your hearing and your eyesight?"  (The week before I was standing in front of the fans with my back to them, doing my job during the game, and one fan--a large man--said, "If something doesn't move soon, (meaning me) I'm going to spank it."  I think that's possibly the most shocking thing ever said to me as a referee).

But I digress.  At the double overtime game, we were being good referees and ignoring the hecklers.  Every time I ran down the court near them they would be armchair-refereeing with, "that's a foul.  See that?  Three in the key. Count that?"  It was annoying since they were obviously watching a different game than I was.  Or seeing it from a  perspective of their daughter that they loved was in a situation they wanted to make better for them---and see them win.

Which brings me to my thoughts today.  I thought about comparing the hecklers to editors, but that didn't come out right.  Although you can ignore hecklers and editors.  (But hopefully your editor isn't telling you, Hey, that's a misspelling there, see that?  Plot hole there.  Third one.  Count that?  It could get awkward that way.)

I thought about comparing the hecklers to fans in our lives who are well-meaning but perhaps misguided.  They want everything to be good for us and always have us on the winning side, but sometimes the method they use isn't the best.  Can't we all think of an annoying but lovable person in our lives?  But then I thought maybe that person in my life might recognize themselves in my post and I'd be in trouble.

I also thought about comparing the hecklers to reviewers, and that seemed to have some traction, but then I remembered that I review books and thought I better not go that route.  I don't want to compare myself to those hecklers.

So, I settled on, ignore the bad, remember the good, and be grateful a large hairy man never got close enough to spank you even though he threatened it.

New Castle and Hawaii Five-O next week.  Can't wait!

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Flashbacks Can Be Hard On A Story

Well, the book I was going to review today wasn't one I liked.  It had a great story idea, and I did like the main character, but I had a hard time with how the author chose to tell the story.

It started out with a bang, an event that affected everyone and was quite chilling, actually.  But then the second chapter skipped ahead several years and we didn't get to see the immediate aftermath, we saw very different people that hadn't coped with the event well.  We did see some of the immediate aftermath through flashbacks, a lot of flashbacks, but it really started to drag the story down.  It was like, we would finally be pulled into the story, and then there would be another flashback to pull us out and we would have to start all over again getting into the story.

Which brings me to my point today.  Flashbacks are very hard to do well.  It can take a reader out of the story, it can get overly long, it can be overdone.  I think in this case the author would have been better served to show the immediate aftermath in the succeeding chapters instead of skipping ahead and then doing it in flashbacks.  Don't get lazy in your writing and resort to just telling the story through flashbacks.  Really show the story and draw your readers in.

Flashbacks are generally easy to do, but hard to do well.  Carefully consider why you're using them and if they really serve your story before you put them in.

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First Page Friday

I apologize for First Page Friday being a little late today.  We had a tiny snafu, but it was taken care of, so here we are!

As always, thank you to Eschler Editing for their efforts and to all our authors who submit.  If you would like your first page critiqued, follow the directions in the sidebar.  See you next week!

The Entry
Untitled

The Dunsters

Samuel brought the muzzle down slightly, eyeing the pale chunk of wood they’d placed in a tree crotch—a small dot in his vision.

Peter shook his head. “Too far.” His words were burred with his Scandinavian accent.

“Well, now,” Samuel replied, unconsciously copying the drawl of Henry Clegg, his brother-in-law. It gave an interesting effect, combined with the Italian lilt of his inflection, and the French thickness of his consonants. Quickly he brought the sight up to his eye, took a deep breath, steadying himself and allowing all around him to blur. He took a second breath, letting the slight tremble of his index finger relax on the trigger. With his third breath, the shot exploded from the barrel.

“You did not hit,” Peter insisted, marching toward the tree.

Samuel put the safety back on, took his flannel cleaning cloth and ran it over the shiny, flat surfaces of the octagonal barrel of his Remington pistol. .44. It had been a gift from his former employer, Bishop Joseph Toronto, President Young’s chief herder. Carefully, he slid it into his hip holster and sauntered over to where Peter stood, his head bowed as he looked at the wood, now laying on the ground behind the tree. There was a nick in it.

Samuel picked it up and tossed it to Peter. The boy flinched, then caught it. “You’re getting good. But you waste the bullets.”

Samuel shrugged. “It does no good to have a pistol if you aren’t a shot.”

They were silent as they made their way through the brush back to where the herd was grazing on the long, grassy bench overlooking Provo City. The sun was low to the horizon, illuminating the sky in long, wavering bands of brilliance. The two of them stood for a few moments, quiet as they looked out over the valley. Samuel imagined he could see spires and turrets in the sunset. The kingdom of Enoch, he thought, feeling his heart swell. A golden city in the clouds.


Angela and Heidi's Comments

Strengths: I’m feeling grounded…

A key element of the strong beginning is our (the reader) being grounded in the story—tuning in to a clear tone and setting. You’re doing a great job with the dialogue (including the first mention of foreign accents) and descriptions in grounding us. The flannel cloth, the pistol details, etc., really bring the historical setting to life. (This model was probably produced between 1862 and 1875, and along with the Brigham Young reference, gives the reader a time frame for the story).

Samuel’s line about “no use in having a pistol if you aren’t a good shot” is a great way to show hints at his personality, his common sense. You’re building character in a nice, subtle way.

One note: The reader knows about Samuel’s relationship to Henry – who hasn’t even been introduced -- but we don’t know what the relationship between Samuel and Peter is. I like their interaction thus far, and find it interesting, but how old are they in comparison to each other, are they related or friends, in differing positions of authority? We need a bit more here to keep us from losing our grounding. You note Peter is a boy, but he seemed like an equal to Samuel in the opening (they interact like equals); since I assumed Samuel was a grown man, I assumed the same of Peter. But now I’m wondering if Samuel is young too. We need that cleared up right away.

Things to work on: Maybe too grounded…

So if you’re wanting to grab the attention of a reader right away, especially with today’s more impatient audience (unfortunate in some ways, but driving brilliant craft in others), you’ll want to shake up the ground just a little—even on the first page. You don’t need to start with the big reveal of danger or mayhem (and the danger might just be to the emotional/spiritual peace of the “City of Enoch,” which you’re potentially foreshadowing), but you do need to include at least a couple of lines giving the reader a hint of trouble to come or something at stake for the main characters. (Meaning a goal they have, that, if failed, will produce dire consequences in some personal way; or the reverse, where they want very badly for something not to happen, and we have an idea of what they will lose if it does.)

In short, the first page needs to establish some situation that is going to lead to the main conflict that needs to be resolved. There is no sense of urgency or trouble here on your current first page, but ideally the first page should at least hint that trouble looms on the horizon. The fact that Samuel’s doing target practice could be a great way to move over to why he is practicing – if he’s also a herder, then outlaws, hostile Indians, or wild animals would all be a possibility in this time (I’m placing it in the mid 1860s to early 1870s). Your last paragraph is pretty and lyrical, but doesn’t really move the story forward. The pace is too leisurely to grab us by the horns.

Another way to advance this element of the story is in the characterization. We don’t know enough about characters – who are they? Are they sheep-herders? Just settlers taking an afternoon off the homestead for target practice? What is the event that is going to have to be resolved in their story? What is their relationship to each other in terms of what’s at stake?

Your story has some good info, but not enough of the right info for getting off to a bang! (Puns intended throughout—sorry!)


Little details:

Though your details are wonderful, it’s all about the right amount and the right place. Misplacement of details can throw the reader out of the story or distract them by encouraging the asking of the wrong questions at the wrong time.

For instance, the line describing the flannel rubbed across the gun is a bit too long in the mouth. Separate some of the descriptions with separate sentences/actions.

Also, alluding to Henry’s (the brother-in-law) drawl is a bit too much in the opening as well. We don’t even yet know who these two main characters are, so throwing Henry into the mix distracts us from the events and people at hand, and since he’s not immediately relevant to what’s going on center stage or anything that will be happening immediately thereafter, his mention is definitely misplaced. (This is just extraneous info that doesn’t do anything for the opening of this story. Could be introduced later on in the chapter. For the first page, every word must count, must be a big hitter, must carry maximum weight. As I read this, I’m not even emotionally attached to or super intrigued by Samuel and Peter just yet, so throwing yet another character into the mix just muddles things up.)

I understand it was a tactic to slip in Samuel’s heritage (through his accents), but could you move it a little and thus find a more natural home? Or simply say Samuel was imitating a drawl many of his associates brought with them from X location, and thus leave the distracting Henry out of it. (Also tightening the accent-describing sentence a bit.)

One last related bit—mentioning the Scandinavian accent immediately before addressing this second, mixed accent seemed a bit too forced to me—drawing attention to the writing and not the story—as if you’re rushing to bring us up to speed on who everyone is so you can get that part of storytelling out of the way. Find a way to separate the descriptions of the men’s accents, etc., so it feels like we’re getting to know each man on his own terms and not getting a rushed intro so you can move on to something besides establishing characters. I think the combination of mentioning both accents together, along with throwing in Henry, made that bit of prose seem more awkward.

Lastly, your first sentence should attempt at being a mini hook in itself. I think your first sentence does this, given the pastoral setting and my assumption that you’re aiming for an older, more broadly read audience (not teens). It’s nicely worded and the details are interesting (though it needs to be supported as a hook by having more hints at something at stake or the trouble potentially coming—it would have more weight in the story if we could see the connection between target practice and anything dire coming). I think having the word “crotch” in your first sentence also gets the reader’s attention (especially if teens are in your potential audience). I can’t decide if that’s a good type of attention or not. It’s a perfectly useful word for the sentence, but these days, it’s hard for a reader to immediately dismiss all the crude connotations associated with the word. It is a well-drawn image though, so I think you could get away with it given a more mature audience. After all, it does serve as a hook for what you have going so far.

Conclusion: 

I think you’re a skilled writer and your story and characters are set up to be very interesting. I would suggest reading the book The First Five Pages, studying the sections on prose rhythm and pacing in particular (amount and placing of details). Just a bit more at stake in the opening and I think you’re off to a strong start.

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A Different Critique Group

So, you all know I do an in-person critique group with Jordan McCollum and Emily Clawson.  We started meeting a year ago now and while it's been wonderful and I've learned a lot, we do things a little different in our group.  Jordan McCollum posted her thoughts about it here, but I remember things a tiny bit differently. (Different POV and all that. See how I worked that in? Gold star for me!)

When we first started meeting we were each critiquing a chapter per person and meeting twice a month.  It was fun, but as Jordan points out, it would take us about a year to get through a novel for someone and how by the end of the book, would we really even remember what the characters were doing in the beginning?

Jordan claims she was reading some lady's blog about critique groups and suggested we read one person's work and a lot more pages, but I remember it more as, one of us had a deadline and asked if we could read fifty or so of her pages.  Then it grew into a discussion about, why don't we just take two months, read and critique her book in quarters and help her meet her deadline. (So, Jordan probably was thinking about some lady's blog while we were discussing.  She's a veritable fountain of knowledge.  Seriously, she is!  Ask her anything and she probably knows or has read something about it.  She also enjoys drowning my manuscripts in red ink a little too much I think. But I digress.)

Anyway, it sounded like such a great idea because I had a deadline coming up as well, so, that's how we started to work all the time.  Each of us has a turn to be the one with a manuscript on the sacrificial critique table, to be ripped apart and then put back together in about a two month span.  So far, it's worked great for us. (And I'm grateful no matter how it came about because it's an invaluable tool.  I recommend Jordan read more blog posts from this lady so we can all benefit).

The thing was, we were reading the manuscript out loud each time and with spending a few (or four) hours socializing first, we were getting home at 1 or 2 in the morning every time.  Which makes for tired mamas the next day.  So, in December, when we were running out of time and one of us wasn't feeling well, we just went over our notes which brought out some really great discussion on characterization, plot holes, what wasn't working, and honestly, it was one of the best brainstorming sessions I've ever been a part of.  Not only were we helping her with her manuscript, but it was making connections in my brain for my own manuscript and was incredibly motivating.  So when we got together this week, I suggested we do that every time.  And it worked again.  It was energizing and fun, and we still got to socialize a lot in between our discussions.  I was even home by midnight! Win/win for all of us.  (Although it's almost my turn for my manuscript to be critiqued.  I guess I better get going on those revisions!  Eep.)

I'm glad our group has been able to evolve and change to meet our needs.  It's been fun to see my own writing get better, not only as I'm critiqued, but also as I sit and critique for others.  I've noticed things about my writing that I've never seen before and it's been helpful to be around other writers who are as anxious as I am to improve.  Plus, we're all about on the same writing level which is a rare find and something I am glad about.

Finding a critique group can be hard, but when you find a good one, it can be worth its weight in gold.  How do your critique groups work?  Do you do in-person or online?  What do you find helpful about them?

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Word Count Wednesday

I had critique group last night and even though we weren't critiquing anything of mine, during our brainstorming session for one of our group members I had this idea for my own work in progress and came home so excited to write!  And guess what I've been doing this morning?  Revising my first chapter.  It's such an invigorating feeling after having a long break (like I've taken).

It's like diving into the pool after sitting in the hot tub for a long while, you know?

How did you do this week?

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