First Page Friday

Before we get started today, the second round of voting in the 2012 RONE awards is open and you can vote for my book All Fall Down.  (You do have to register to vote, but it's free and easy).  If you are so inclined, please go here to vote for me!  (We're on Week 5, the thriller/suspense category).

It's finally Friday and I'm so glad.  Today on First Page Friday we're learning about looking for audience and pulling your readers in.  Thank you to Ms. Shreditor and our author for all their hard work.  See you next week!


The Entry
The Sex Stone of Agassia
by Richard Maitland


[NOTE: In view of your submission requirements about "no sex", I should mention this is a British comedy, and so the nudity on the first page is intended humorously]

Detective Constable William Lilley shuffled his feet and gave a nervous cough. “You absolutely sure about this? Seems a very funny way of getting into the Freemasons if you ask me.”

In the darkened Briefing Room of a north London police station thirteen candles flickered. The lambent light played over a pentagram inside a circle, the wobbly outlines drawn with sand on the linoleum floor. A trail of gritty debris and cigarette butts led back to the shadows where a plundered fire bucket lay on its side. Desks had been shoved against walls; chairs stacked in corners; telephones unplugged; tea-trolley pushed under the window. Gray venetian blinds barricaded the windows.

“Get on with it”, snapped Detective Inspector Marigold Bateman from the centre of the pentagram. “We haven’t got all night.”

Bill slowly removed his tie and stepped into the circle, unbuttoning his shirt with reluctant fingers.

D.I. Bateman advanced. Pounced. In a lightning movement unzipped his fly – yanked his trousers and underpants down to his ankles – threw off her raincoat – stood before him. Naked.

Too shocked to react, Bill could only stand open-mouthed as Inspector Bateman wrapped herself around him, pressing her ample flesh against his fear-shrivelled member.

A moment later he came to his senses. Prising her fingers from his outraged buttocks, he fought to break her grip. But D.I. Bateman was strong. And slippery. And with no clothes to give him purchase, Bill had only handfuls of Metropolitan Police flesh to grapple with. In a silence broken only by harsh panting they struggled together as Bill tried to fend her off and at the same time reach down to grab her coat and wrap it round her shoulders.

The room blazed with light. Detective Chief Inspector Bradshaw stood framed in the doorway, his hand on the light switch. He took in the terrible scene with one sweep of his eyes.

“You two. My office. Tomorrow morning.” The door slammed shut.


Ms. Shreditor's Comments

This sample ran longer than a page when I double-spaced it (in keeping with Julie’s submission guidelines). Several of the samples lately have run long, and I don’t want to keep beating this poor horse to death. It may seem nitpicky for me to take a submission to task for running a paragraph or two over the allotted length, but I’m trying to give you all the best chance for success when you submit to an agent or publisher. Submission guidelines are, among many other things, a litmus test of your ability to follow directions, which will become increasingly vital as you move through the various editorial and production phases.

I wanted to address the note that accompanied this sample because it raises a crucial point: NOTE:  In view of your submission requirements about “no sex”, I should mention this is a British comedy, and so the nudity on the first page is intended humorously. The disclaimer gives us some context, but the problem here is audience. I’m not offended by raunchy humor or occasional nudity, but that’s neither here nor there because I’m not really the target audience for this blog. Julie’s “clean” guidelines echo the preferences of her readership. An audience of clean readers will find the paragraph that begins “Too shocked to react...” jarring.

You don’t want to submit your piece to the wrong agent or publisher, so here’s a good rule of thumb: if you have to insert a disclaimer explaining why your piece doesn’t quite jive with the guidelines, you might not be submitting to the right person. Make sure that, if/when you submit this for publication, you submit to a publisher for whom the disclaimer would be unnecessary.

If you are looking to publish in a clean market, you might reconsider your approach to the nudity on this first page. In a national market, this scene would likely be an attention grabber, but in a niche market of clean readers, it might be offensive. Perhaps there’s a way to tone down the nudity so that the narrative doesn’t pause too long to gape at the “ample flesh” and “outraged buttocks.”

I do have a few important questions about the story itself. What exactly do Bill and Marigold need to do to enter the Freemasons? Why do they need to enter in the first place? Is the nudity/attempted seduction part of the ritual, or does Marigold spring that on him out of the blue? It seems as though they’ve gone to great pains to prepare the room for it, and then Bill suddenly chickens out moments before their boss enters the room. I’m not all that familiar with Freemasonry, so forgive me if I’ve missed something.

A brief word about semicolons: they’re not necessary in the list that begins “desks had been shoved against the walls...” Commas will suffice here because 1) the list isn’t made up of independent clauses, and 2) the list doesn’t contain compound items (i.e., individual items that contain commas or other punctuation). You might recast the passage to eliminate the list structure if the commas seem awkward.

It took me several paragraphs to get here, but here it is: I really do like this first page. Audience issues aside, it grabbed my attention. A sentence or two made me laugh. The author has a strong sense of setting and is able to paint a vivid scene for the reader without stopping too long to smell the discarded cigarette butts. As I mentioned above, the premise is still a little foggy to me; I’m not sure exactly why the two main characters end up naked. But I sure am curious to find out.

Read More

Castle Season Finale Review

Wow.  I'm just not even sure where to begin with this.  It was great and it was horrible all rolled into one.  Let's start off with the case.

They took a ripped from the headlines approach (there was a Canadian tourist found in a water tank not too long ago, ew) and had the blood shower which led to the body.  (Would it really be all bloody? Like Jon, that was my question.)  Anyway, Beckett rushes up and Castle asks her where she's been because he's been calling her and she looks all guilty and shifty and doesn't tell him she went to a job interview in D.C.  (And I can see why.  What a weird job interview.  Beckett seems all backward and I don't know why I'm here until the interviewer said, woman up already! I'm paraphrasing, but you know.)

So, she's keeping a secret from Castle, which doesn't bode well and plus, it sucks the life and fun out of the show when she's like this.  The murder mojo is flowing from Castle about why a Harvard computer scientist student would be pretending to be a hooker in a seedy New York hotel and some of his theories made me smile.  Beckett's incredible detective skills have her offering that maybe the girl "needed a change."  Um, really?  Harvard to hooker?  Yeah, not so much.

Esposito notices something going on and asks Ryan if he's noticed Beckett acting different and the discussion of pregnancy comes up.  That was actually one of the highlights of the show for me when Esposito hears Ryan's news.  Love them.  (Seriously, though, why is Esposito wearing a tie nowadays?  Weird.)

Castle finds the boarding pass in her jacket and asks her about it.  She gives him the lame excuse it was just an interview, but he's understandably hurt that she didn't even discuss it with him at all and it affects him.  They both go talk to their mommy and daddy and make some decisions.  (Great scenes with Martha.  And her dad.)

They meet at the swings where we began this season.  Castle has a mad look on his face and I'm thinking, this is it, they're breaking up.  Castle talks about wanting more, Beckett is agreeing, then instead of walking away, he gets down on one knee and proposes.

Um, what?

It was so unromantic and he looked kind of mad.  And it felt like he was only doing it because she might leave, yada yada, not because he necessarily had planned it or wanted to do it right then.  Blech.  So, there was a cliffhanger, but I was SO disappointed.  No matter what Beckett does she's going to look horrible, so the writers have written her into a corner.  I mean, if she accepts, and doesn't take that job, she's said straight out she'll always wonder.  And she'll resent Castle.  If she says no, she'll look even worse since she supposedly loves Castle.

I guess we'll have all summer to think about it.  *sigh*

Luckily, I have Hawaii Five-O to look forward to this week for their season finale.  The tag line is that the team of four will now be down to three.  Uh oh.  Can't wait.

What did you think of the Castle finale?  Share all your thoughts.

Read More

Word Count Wednesday

Well, I went on a little getaway with my husband, so my word count was zero.  I didn't even have any plot ideas or anything.  But I did have a great time on my mini-vacation and I really needed that.

How did you do this week?

Read More

Don't Tell Me I Haven't Watched It Yet!

I wasn't able to watch the Castle season finale yet, so don't tell me a thing.  *covers eyes and ears*

I'll watch it and give you my review on Thursday.

Do you love or hate season finales?

Read More

Book Review: Belonging to Heaven

Belonging to Heaven by Gale Sears is like a gentle breeze on a summer's day---something to savor.  It tells of courage, sacrifice, and dedication of George Q. Cannon, the first LDS missionary there, and Jonathan Napela, a convert to the church who has to make some very big decisions in his life.  The last third of the book is so inspiring and touching, you'll want to have a handkerchief nearby.

The book had a slow-moving style to it that made it something for me to look forward to at the end of the day.  It immersed me in the history and culture of the Hawaiian people.  As most of you know, I won a five night stay at a Hawaiian vacation getaway, but because of circumstances I wasn't able to go and have been feeling down about it.  I didn't want to read this book when I found out the subject matter because I thought it might be too depressing with what happened with my Hawaii trip.  I found it actually helped a little because it made me feel like I was almost there eating poi and enjoying the incredible scenery.  The author really brought to life some memorable characters as well that rounded out the experience. (But someday, Hawaii, you and I will meet.)  I loved that this story was based on real people and that the story was so poignant.  It's one that I'll think about for a long time to come.

Here's the back copy:

Descended from the Hawaiian royal line, Jonathan Napela became one of the first—and most influential—converts to the Church in Hawaii. A man of intelligence, social status, and wealth, he used his considerable position to further the gospel in his native land. He developed a lifelong bond of brotherhood with Elder George Q. Cannon, helping to translate the Book of Mormon into Hawaiian and establish a gathering place for the Hawaiian saints in Laie, Oahu. But when his beloved wife, Kitty, was stricken with leprosy, Jonathan made the defining decision of his life. He would leave his life of privilege to become her caretaker and spend the rest of his life on Molokai, the island of lepers. To those who suffered similar heartbreak and banishment, Jonathan's self-sacrifice became their lifeline. Based on true story, this is an extraordinary novel of a man who chose love in the face of death.

Read More

First Page Friday

This was a very interesting critique and I hope you read it and answer Ms. Shreditor's question:  What do you think of semi-colons in dialogue?

As always I'm so grateful for the time and effort put into First Page Fridays.  I always learn so much!  If you would like to submit your work, please follow the guidelines in the sidebar.

See you next week!

The Entry
Until Shiloh Comes
by Robert M. Starr


October, 1876

The little girl at the piano was the first to see him ride over the ridge and down into the Montana valley that was her home.

“Rider coming, Mother, leading a packhorse,” she said, as she continued to play.

Sarah Hadley walked to the window beside the piano and looked across the wide expanse of grass. The rider was far enough away to be still only a dark silhouette against the pale brown of the autumn grass, but the young woman’s breath caught momentarily as she watched him. The rider sat his horse like the cavalry officer her late husband had been. How many times, she wondered, had she watched Jonathan ride across that grass in just such a manner, leading a packmule in from a hunting trip or from a trip to town for supplies?

“Keep practicing, Hannah; he is still a long way off.”

Sarah left the window, went out onto the wide porch on the front of the house and stood by one of the massive columns that supported the balcony above. She looked again to measure the rider’s progress then turned toward the barn and corrals to look for Caleb Stohr, the one man who had remained on the ranch through the trouble of the past two years. She saw him working his way around the corrals and the creek, approaching the house out of sight of the coming rider. As he reached the side of the house, she moved to the end of the porch to speak to him.

“Caleb, do you suppose he is looking for work?” she asked. “This time of year, he might be looking for a place to spend the winter.”


Ms. Shreditor's Comments


The excerpt that came to me was four pages, so I cut it off after the first page for review purposes. I’ll use this as an opportunity to review 

Julie’s submission guidelines: one double-spaced page of text in 12-point font. I have to be a stickler for this because, as I’ve mentioned in past columns, failing to follow submissions guidelines will land your hard work in a slush pile or recycling bin. Read the guidelines carefully, because they will likely be more complex than those for First Page Friday.

Now, the critique:

I knew from the date in the chapter heading that this would be historical fiction. What came as a surprise was how engaging it was from the outset. Historicals are tough; a writer has to present characters living in a long-gone era in a way that resonates with modern-day readers. They must establish setting and historical context without information dumping.

It’s so rare that I read an unpublished one that fires on all the right cylinders. This page, however, does just that. It lays down some compelling storyline fodder: the fact that Sarah is a widow/single mother, the mysterious “trouble of the past two years” on her ranch, and the arrival of a male stranger. These are all timeless story components. A writer could tackle any one of the above conflicts just as easily in a contemporary story, so they work well in a historical setting.

There is a nice balance between narrative and dialogue here. There’s enough interaction with other characters (namely, Hannah and Caleb) to establish immediate connections, but there’s also enough narration to ground the reader in the Montana setting and lay the groundwork for the central storylines. Combined, these elements leave me feeling complete, as if this first page has accomplished just about everything it needs to.

The writing is generally well edited. There isn’t much I would correct beyond a few punctuation marks here and there, but the second line of dialogue presents an opportunity for debate. Sarah says, “Keep practicing, Hannah; he is still a long way off.” In the strictest grammatical sense, the semicolon is correct; it links two independent clauses. However, some grammarians discourage the use of semicolons in dialogue because it’s too formal. I’d love to hear everyone’s thoughts on this. My Chicago Manual of Style is at the office, and I can’t remember the “official” verdict. (To all writers reading this blog: If you don’t have a copy of CMS, I’d strongly recommend getting one. It’s the encyclopedia of bookmaking and the style guide of choice for many book publishers.)

This piece deserves an audience because it delivers so much of what a reader is looking for on a first page. Again, make sure to read submission guidelines carefully and follow them to the letter. Otherwise, there isn’t much to be done here.

Read More

Research--Fun and Boring All At the Same Time

I've started Bart's story, which means I've been researching and organizing said research for a couple of weeks now.  I know a whole lot about hostage negotiation teams, drug busts, what happens to cops who are disgraced, and well, I better not say more so I don't give away the story.  Research can be fun to do (and you have to know when to stop or you'll never write the story) and sort of boring to organize and make it useful.

I organize my research in two ways.  I have a notebook where I take notes (leftover habits from my days as a journalist) and I have research files on my computer that I tab and organize for reference.  Tons of bookmarks on the computer, of course,  The internet is a wonderful research tool and I could research forever, I think.  (Or at least research long enough to procrastinate the actual writing a little longer.  *sigh*  I probably shouldn't admit that I do that, but it's true.  I need to break that habit someday.)

It's always funny to me when people think that because I write fiction I don't have to research because I can just make it up, right?  Wrong.  People will call you out if you don't know your stuff or if it doesn't ring true.  I think I told you all the story about when I was reading a book that told about someone standing on a corner and hailing a cab in Provo, Utah.  Since I lived in Provo, I know that wouldn't happen because there aren't many taxis and you'd be standing on a corner forever to hail one.  Sort of ruined the story for me a bit because I knew the author hadn't done her research on the setting for her book.

How do you organize your research?  Does it bother you when it's obvious an author doesn't know what they're talking about in a book?

Read More