First Page Friday

I am so grateful to the authors who are brave enough to submit their work each week to be critiqued.  I find it so helpful to see the corrections in someone else's work so I can learn what not to do in my own.  If you would like to submit your first page for First Page Friday please refer to the instructions in the sidebar.

 
The Entry

Becoming Wildcreek
by Joy Allen

England, 1888
Early May 

“He’s really going to do it!” Jane Carlisle, Duchess of Chatham, hid behind the gnarled trunk of the old Sycamore tree and watched the duel begin between Henry, her husband, the Duke of Chatham, and his younger brother. “I didn’t believe that jackanapes William had enough bravado to step out on the field with my Henry, let alone hold a pistol in his hand while doing so.”

“Your Grace, please!”

Jane wasn’t sure if her maid’s exasperated words were a reprimand of her street language or whispered in worry for their Duke. Henry Carlisle, being fifteen years Jane’s senior, had more than time in his favor. He had a steady hand and an even temperament. Henry never seemed to get angry at Jane, or at his foolish brother, or at Henry’s employees even when he probably should do so to keep their respect. But what Henry failed to do in terror, he accomplished with patience and love.             

“Stop fretting, Ella. Henry is the best shot in all of Yorkshire County, if it comes to that.” Jane risked a glance at the older woman huddled close behind her shoulder. Elle’s gray hair, pulled tightly on her head, matched her pallid complexion at the moment. Henry’s father, the late Duke, had employed Ella since Henry had turned two. Losing him would be too much like losing a dear son. “All Henry need do is stare menacingly at his brother and surely he’ll regret his words and apologize to me, forthwith.”

Ella grasped Jane’s elbow. “Yet, they pace away from each other, Your Grace.”

The morning’s fog had lifted enough for Jane to see Henry’s face. The breeze played with loose strands of brown, curly hair around his pinked cheeks. He smiled, and Jane felt like he wore a suit of metal armor instead of lamb’s wool. His shoulders were back, his spine ramrod straight as he walked in the muddy field. Even in the throws of a duel he was the proper gentleman.

Ms. Shreditor's Comments

What struck me first about this piece was the heading. It sets a vague scene. Where in England are we? Why just “early” May and not a specific date? Does this information need appear in chapter headings, or can it be worked into the text somewhere? In most cases, just a chapter number will suffice in fiction. If the entire story takes place in England, I think you can establish time and place in the text without the headings.

The beginning of this sample felt a bit choppy to me. My first instinct was to break the second sentence into a new paragraph, but then I realized that it bridges the gap between Jane’s two bits of dialogue. Consider revising so that it reads something like, “Jane Carlisle, Duchess of Chatham, exclaimed as she hid behind the trunk of the old sycamore [note lowercase] tree...” That way, the exposition doubles as a dialogue tag to improve flow.

The duel presents some immediate suspense, and the author ups the ante by making it between brothers. The precipitating event, however, is unclear. What could William have said to incite his own brother to a duel? Jane seems almost flippant about it in places, so it couldn’t have been anything mortally offensive.

Of particular concern to me is characterization. This first page tells us a lot about Henry and not much about Jane herself. We’re not sure exactly what has sparked the duel, and we don’t know much about her beyond her title. Although she’s the catalyst of the unfolding action, she spends more time observing other characters than telling us anything about herself. This makes it difficult to connect with her.  

Make sure to proof your first page carefully before submitting to an editor or agent. Two spelling errors stood out immediately: 1) In the fourth paragraph, Ella’s name is misspelled as “Elle” in the fourth sentence. 2) The last sentence of the sample reads “throws of a duel” instead of “throes of a duel.”

Minor errors like these are bound to happen in a full manuscript, but they can be costly on a first page or in sample chapters. Book acceptance is contingent upon a lot of factors beyond a writer’s control: the market, competitive titles, reader trends, individual publisher preferences, etc. A writer can, however, control the quality of his or her work. Get a second or even third set of eyes on a submission to clean up any lingering errors. I’m not saying, of course, that a book will be automatically rejected on the grounds of a typo. But if an editor is on the fence about your story, errors could tip the scales out of your favor.



Thank you so much to Ms. Shreditor and to Joy.  Your hard work is appreciated.  See you next week!